Site planning, part II

(or, “Venting”)

Zork, you've been to the new site already. What's it like? There be three 'hot desks'. Oh! We didn't know about that... ...By which is meant desks by outflow vents of sausage factory next door.
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Site planning, part I

In the new office, you'll also have 'cinema-style' workstations. Coo – Wide screens? Surround sound? Cup holders? No – tip-up seats. And no lights.
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Joint working

For our new slimline offices, you'll be adopting flexible, agile work patterns. Which means? Laptops on your knees until we manage to source narrow desks.
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A site for sore eyes

Many of you will have been wondering about the return to the office since we sold the old premises to the Kwik-Chow Meat Processing Co. The good news is I've managed to secure us a lean, slimline office on the same site! Whaddya mean, 'the same site'? Apart from the alleyway down to the bins, the sausage factory is the entire site. Yes, well – as I said: lean and slimline.
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Return to centre

It's nice to be able to meet up again. How do you feel about the upcoming return to the office? What office? They sold our building to the Kwik-Chow Meat Processing Company. What are they doing with the place now? Sausage Factory. No change, then.

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Close enough

How are you managing with online shopping? Not bad … But I don't think my supermarket's replacement product algorithm is very good. How so? Well, I tried to order some lambrusco… What did they send? Lamb Bisto!
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Hot desk

Phil, I can't work today – I scalded myself! Crikey! What happened? You remember that variety pack of speciality teas my Beverage Journal editor got me? Yeah. I was drinking one naked, and spilled it in my lap. Red bush? More than somewhat.

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Tome … to you

I see you have the mass-market bestsellers way up on the top shelf. What's that about? High volume selling. I suppose I walked into that, didn't I? I've been waiting years for someone to ask.

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Just what I always wanted

Here you go. Oh! Er … thanks! What prompted that? When I was passing, I overheard you say you could do with a weak coffee, so I brought you one. Okay, cool – cheers. … You said ‘A week off’, didn't you? Yeah

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[Sentiment here]

You think the e-card from management addressed to [Insert name] is bad ... You weren't here the last time they sent us physical cards ... Hang on, I've still got mine – here: That's a lovely nativity scene. Read the message inside. It say, 'Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet.'

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Clickbait

I see the new head of digital marketing we headhunted from Buzzfeed is making his mark. How so? The home page of the Operational Research Academy Journal now says, 'Prof. Dhaliwal calculated a solution for the two-machine job shop scheduling problem – you'll never guess what happened next.' Ah yes – here it is, and the article itself is now spread across 23 separate pages.

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Management insight

If you have followed this strip over the long term, you may be wondering how my production team are still here, considering how the company decided to outsource production to Merlock Services on Titan four years ago. I have achieved this by flying under the radar, and employing a business technique known as 'chiral nescience'. This means, 'The right hand not knowing what the left hand is doing.'

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Apps-a-daisy

Paige, I was talking to your uncle Iain for thirty minutes about responsive web templates before I found out he's an ecclesiastic architect and monumental stonemason. But I told you he's designing the apse for the new site of the cathedral. He asked me what I thought of Stone fonts and I said I liked how the serif and sans variants work together as a coherent superfamily.

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Here we go round…

We've got an office reorganization scheduled for next Thursday. What, another one? Can I request that you don't play music through the company P.A. system while we're moving our workstations this time? Why? I thought that was soothing. It's just we always suspect that when the music stops, one of us will have had our chair taken away.

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Repurposable content

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Faithful friends who are dear to us gather near to us once more

A jolly Christmas! Surprise! It be me, Zork! On Titan, we have similar gifting festivity. It be called,

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The sound of silence

Hello, security? Just to let you know that we didn't hear the fire alarm test in our department today. Uh ... we didn't actually run the test today. Oh – that'll explain it. But we did put out a tannoy announcement to say that we weren't going to... I didn't hear that, either.

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Breakout room … broken

The former stationery store is being repurposed as part of our 'multi-purpose workspaces' initiative. Is it, now? Yes – we're piloting it as a prayer room for our muslim colleagues. How many of those do we have? None. But we can set aside booked time for other uses. Would I be allowed to— Yes. Hang on though, it's still full of stationery. Yes, that's another of its multiple purposes.

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World’s worst pun

What's this in the Dec. issue of Dermatological Review? A bound-in sheet of 180GSM stock with photos of various red skin complaints. Why? It's an eczemas card!

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Frequency asked questions

'Quarterly Transactions in Periotology' seems to be doing well. Everybody calls it Q-TIP. In fact it's getting so many accepted submissions that we're increasing its frequency to five issues a year. Doesn't that mean we'll have to rename it? Er... Oh, balls.

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