Unfriendly behaviour

Take THAT! Ha! And you too, bitchface! Haa!! What on earth are you doing? Un-friending on Facebook. Isn't that a little childish? Oh, for sure. But great fun. And cathartic too!Of course, in real life, nobody uses company computers during working hours to go on Facebook…

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Food for thought

Listen to this: "First came the bikini. Then the tankini and the mankini. Now the latest fashion trend from California – beachwear for animals – is already being called the ZOOKINI." Isn't that the American term for a courgette? Thank-you for putting the concept "courgette" in my mind at the same time as "beachwear".

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Man size tissues

man-size tissues

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Deep thoughts (part II)

Er, okay: If you had an infinite number of monkeys with COMPUTERS ... Google would experience a sudden spike in searches for "monkey porn". Seriously, you're not helping.

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Deep thoughts (part I)

If you had an infinite number of monkeys with typewriters ... What's a typewriter? ... Shares in Olivetti would skyrocket. Please shut up.

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Nerd? Oh, well…

Am I a nerd, Phil? Um ... why? I was out shopping with the girls ... Shoes and bags and stuff? Yeah. Becky asked me who my favourite designer was. And I said, "Saul Bass." Yes, you're a nerd. Could be worse. I'd probably have said Matthew Carter ...

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Slow dating

Tell me more about your job: I'd LOVE to work with animals. Ooh! You don't do EXPERIMENTS on them, do you? ... Not gerbils. JOURNALS.

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PWI’s First Law of Telephonics

PWI’s First Law of Telephonics
The people with the most annoying ringtones receive the most calls and texts.

Corollary
These people are also the most likely to leave their phone behind when they go somewhere.

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Rosé by any other name…

Zork, you saw Tracy at the weekend. How's she doing since she got laid off? She say she is "in the pink". Aw, that's good to hear. ... Or "in the red". I forget which.

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We can manage

Can I speak to your manager, please? I'm afraid she's been signed off ill for the rest of the week. Do ou think she'll be in next week? Sorry, but she has a week-long business trip to Bangalore scheduled. The week after? Working from home. After that? Holiday. You do actually HAVE a manager, don't you? So I'm told, but I admit I've only worked here for a year so I've not seen her yet.All characters in this strip are fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

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Pooled resources

So, how was Artie's pool party on Saturday? Weeell ... Artie from the postroom? He lives in a third-floor flat. How can he have a pool? Turns out he hasn't. He's got a POOL TABLE. I spent the evening playing nine-ball in my swimming cozzie. Classy. Don't knock it. I managed to hustle sixty-five quid before I went home.

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Rustled brand

Anyone noticed that Morrisons have own-brand soft drinks called "Iron Brew" and "Dr. Pop"? To study this phenomenon, we're launching the "Journal of Lookalike Branding". Batley University Press already publish a "Journal of Copycat Branding". Is that so? Yep. And your mockup uses practically the same fonts and colours. Well how about that!

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Cover aversion

Did I hear you talking to the designer last week about sourcing a picture of teratomas for the cover of "Tumour Research"? ... Yeah ... I think he misheard you. I say, what an absolute shower

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Web tech, part II

So, Seb: tell us what you've been working on today. Weeell ... since 0800 hrs I've been running a simulated upstream cyprinid search. Er ... good. Great. I can't believe you admitted to them that you've been playing an Internet carp fishing game all morning! Relax, Paige my young padawan. I lot them at "I've been running".

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Web tech, part I

Zork, this is Seb White, head of our O.C.D. team. O.C.D.? Online content delivery. Development. Whatever.

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Flame war

They don't like my cross, but are quite happy to cater for Zork's weird religious needs! Which are ...? Every Friday at eleven a.m., to light the sacred burning tentavle of flame. Fridays at eleven? Isn't that when the fire alarms are tested? That's what we're calling it, yes.

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Getting cross

Tina, we've had some complaints about your cross ... You can't make me stop wearing it! That's religious discrimination! I'll take the company to court! Calm Down! Nobody has a problem with your pendant ... but the life-size cricifix behind your desk is a trip-hazard. Yowch! *bonk!*

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Details, details…

Reply: Thank you for your enquiry. Unfortunately you didn't state which of our journals you're referring to ... at any rate, submission insructions are clearly laid out on our website, and any pre-submission queries should be send to the editor, not the production office ... Plus you got my forename and surname the wrong way round ... And "manuscript" is spelled with just one "n" ... You're not actually going to send that are you? Good god, no! *BINK!* Oh, shit.

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English tease

The typsetters keep ignoring my markup in the Beverage Marketing Journal. How So? This author, Melchior Strongg, is at the Society for Traditional English Teas ... and he wants his affiliation abbreviated to its initials. But every time I cross it out and put STET in the margin ... *cringe!* I don't know who's worse – them or you. What?

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Uncertainty principle

Economics is often a con,
Says Taleb in his book The Black Swan;
The Gaussian bell
Curve’s misleading as hell,
And you seldom can tell what’s going on.

I've asked Taleb to write a piece for "Uncertainty Journal". D'you think he'll do it? No idea.

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