A balanced opinion

Hi Becky – I wasn't in for the big "town hall" meeting. What did they talk about? Oh, there was much talk of "leveraging scale". Isn't that what crooked greengrocers do when they want to serve you an underweight measure?

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PITA

So, what made your 'Postmodern Theory' journal such a pain? Was it the muddle-headed editor? No ... Pompous authors? No ... Marking-up of abstracts in Shavian alphabet? No, it was just so damned expensive to print. Why? Triangular pages. ... You think it was a bummer in the print issue; imagine the style-sheets I had to write to make it work in the HTML.

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PMT

The Executive Board have decided we should stop publishing "Postmodern Theory". Partly because it's not in alignment with the company's strategic roadmap going forward. But mostly because it's a pain in the arse? Quite so.

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Brain freeze

Is Paige okay? She's been staring blankly into space for half an hour now. Ah. I know that expression. She's stuck in a mental error loop. Jiggle her mouse and see what she was doing before her screensaver came on. Ah. It seems she was looking at a Facebook picture that says, "It's important to think for yourself. Like and share if you agree."

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Unknown unknowns

I can't believe I had to explain to that author about compressed JPEGs. Yeah, well that's the knowledge fallacy for ya. The what? You know: the knowledge fallacy. Just saying it again doesn't help. Help me out here, Jen ... Sorry – I've never heard of it either. Really? Okay: the knowledge fallacy is where you know something and automatically assume it's common knowledge that everyone else ... er ... oh yeah.

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Priorities

Why haven't you signed up for the publishing vision seminar? The email said it was voluntary. I have work to do. I strongly advise you to go to it. Why? Because our director has strongly advised me to strongly advise you to go. Can you at least confirm that it won't be a load of airy corporate management waffle? God, no.

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Doctor, doctor…

Have you seen the new Spiderman villain? He's a mad cake-deocrations and sugarcraft magnate called DR. OETKERPUS. Has he got eight limbs? No, hundreds and thousands!

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Error loop

Seb, I need to report that the equations in "Super-Article" layout don't display properly in Internet Explorer 7. You'll have to log it in the error reporting system, Ramala. I know, but I can't get into it. Not surprised: it doesn't work in Internet Explorer 7.

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SAD

I need you all to do testing on the "Super-Article Development" project. What's that, then? It'll bring our online content into the 21st century! Animated graphics, deep hyperlinking, smart cross-references ... you guys just need to look for glitches and bugs. Sounds cool. When does it go live? Three weeks ago. Gah!

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Bad form

Hello, professor. About your article in Journal of Intellectual Property Law ... I'm afraid your copyright form does not really count with just a JPEG of your signature pasted into it. You don't have a scanner or a fax? That's fine: send it to us in the post. *3 days later—* ...He's sent me a print-out of the version with the JPEG pasted on it. Perhaps he has a disability and can't use his hands. Or doesn't own a pen? He's signed the compliments slip he put in the envelope with it! Wah! Oyy!

 

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An issue of confidence

From Corporate Communications. To All staff. Click here for a short interactive presentation about our vision for a shining, high-tech future. *click!* ... Error: You do not have sufficient permissions to view this content. Wah!

 

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The artistic temperament

Zork fail understand this mark-up. Let me have a look at it then. Ah, it's that highly-strung poet. What has she written on her proof? "O woe fie." This is name of Chinese editor? No, I think it's her emotional response to our typesetting.

 

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All the fun of the (science) fair

This is the transgenic monkey we developed. It has a spider's silk spinneret gene implanted ... we were going to call it a "spider monkey" but apparently there's already a monkey called that. How about a "monkey spider"? Don't be ridiculous. In the end, we called it a "spunkey".

 

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Unfriendly behaviour

Take THAT! Ha! And you too, bitchface! Haa!! What on earth are you doing? Un-friending on Facebook. Isn't that a little childish? Oh, for sure. But great fun. And cathartic too!Of course, in real life, nobody uses company computers during working hours to go on Facebook…

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Food for thought

Listen to this: "First came the bikini. Then the tankini and the mankini. Now the latest fashion trend from California – beachwear for animals – is already being called the ZOOKINI." Isn't that the American term for a courgette? Thank-you for putting the concept "courgette" in my mind at the same time as "beachwear".

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Man size tissues

man-size tissues

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Deep thoughts (part II)

Er, okay: If you had an infinite number of monkeys with COMPUTERS ... Google would experience a sudden spike in searches for "monkey porn". Seriously, you're not helping.

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Deep thoughts (part I)

If you had an infinite number of monkeys with typewriters ... What's a typewriter? ... Shares in Olivetti would skyrocket. Please shut up.

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Nerd? Oh, well…

Am I a nerd, Phil? Um ... why? I was out shopping with the girls ... Shoes and bags and stuff? Yeah. Becky asked me who my favourite designer was. And I said, "Saul Bass." Yes, you're a nerd. Could be worse. I'd probably have said Matthew Carter ...

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Slow dating

Tell me more about your job: I'd LOVE to work with animals. Ooh! You don't do EXPERIMENTS on them, do you? ... Not gerbils. JOURNALS.

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